Love and Heartache
No, I'm not a man hater, and I'm not trying to bash them (too hard), but I'm going through a rough spot in my current relationship, and I feel like typing it out here works better as a catharsis than just writing it out for noone else to see. Well, anyways, here goes; warning- this may descend into ramblings at certain points, but please, bear with me.
It's amazing how much pain the human heart can handle. I mean, we pour out our souls to these guys (or girls, as your preference may be), and most of the time it works out real well. You connect with the other person and all is well. Then you get times with either that person or someone else where it feels like they're trying to rip your beating heart right out of your chest. Then there's the kind of hurt that's more like a dull ache, which comes from the kind of relationships where you know the inevitable breakup talk is coming, but you love them so much and you don't want them to go, but you know deep down that it's not working out, and you're not as close as you once were. And maybe you two aren't talking as much or as long about the things that interest one or both of you as you used to. It's the kind of ache that you try to ignore or make go away with some double dutch fudge ice cream, or a vodka tonic or two (or four), or maybe you're even one of the daring ones to try drugs to make the pain go away, and not necessarily the illegal ones, either, but sometimes, just sleeping pills to knock you out so you don't have to think about it. And you cry your eyes out because this is the person you've said you love and most times they've said it back to you. How do you ever feel like everything will be all right again?
In my line of work as a dancer, I get to hear a lot of very nice, thought provoking songs, but, considering the arguments my boyfriend and I have been havign recently, a couple stuck out in my mind as poigniantly appropriate- George Michael's "Careless Whisper" (Lyrics Here) and Roxette's "It Must Have Been Love" (Lyrics Here). The suckass part of it all is that the pain's so fresh today, since we had argued again this morning, that at times today, it was hard for me to dance without tears, which I played off as allergies. I've been with him for almost four years now, and, it basically all comes back to me being immature. (Not an insult he throws at me; more like the truth, since he's not the only one to have told me that.) I keep trying to be more mature and better at this relationship stuff, but all the things I know I need to do just seem too big. Anyone else feel like this sometimes?